Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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