who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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