covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
