If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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