My hand turned me down
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
