I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
