If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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