I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
