dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
