I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
