I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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