I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He did a backflip because drugs
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