i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
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Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
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Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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