I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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