hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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