Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.