Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.