I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
