Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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