is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
