It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
