I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
