but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
