I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
