I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
