Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
