Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
