I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
