Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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