Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
