More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
