Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
