somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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