we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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