I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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