I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
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She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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