Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
