between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
