remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
