Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
