How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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