Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
