How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
