You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
