I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
4 words: hood of his car
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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