We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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