just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
