I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
should my penis look like a turkey
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
