hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
