Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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