Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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