just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
