well you can't waste a boner
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
