All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
