dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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