woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
