this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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