I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
