Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
