soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
