I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
