I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
smell my finger.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
