My friends, they love my intelligence
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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